Our Stories

Steve and his partner separated in the summer of 2012 when Ricky was one year old. They initially separated amicably with Steve looking after Ricky every alternate weekend and half the holidays. Things however took a turn for the worse the following year when Steve found a new partner and he found his fortnightly time with Ricky being restricted.

“The effect that this has had on Ricky has been heartbreaking to see. I feel powerless and I often wonder whether it might be best for me to walk away from Ricky’s childhood.”

A legal process followed to clarify arrangements but the court orders soon became ignored; indeed since 2015 there have been 39 individual hearings, and a contempt of court award. Despite the court orders, during this time Ricky and Steve’s relationship has become increasingly restricted and damaged.

Ricky feels he doesn’t have permission to love his dad and is encouraged not to see his father. Indeed during 2020 Ricky only spent 13 days with Steve with no sleepovers. A once confident and carefree little boy, Ricky now exhibits signs of anxiety and needs involvement from a child psychologist to support him emotionally. Ricky is meeting milestones academically but is struggling to moderate his behaviour, which has resulted in his school contacting the parents regarding their concerns.

Ellie and Alan took the sad decision to separate just over a year ago so things are very raw and divorce proceedings have not even begun yet. They have four young children and have been married for 14 years, and together for 20, having met at university. They are both incredibly sad about the outcome and have made the active choice to separate without recrimination. They live apart, but close together, in the same town and are pursuing a shared parenting approach.

“No matter how hard it gets (and it can be really hard!) we both agreed early on that we would continue to work together, in joint therapy and separately, to ensure that the children are our priority.”

In spite of the inevitable pain and discomfort, our focus this year has always been on maintaining a family structure where our children feel loved and supported. The parents promise is a major part of that. We are their parents. We will always be a family and the adult thing to do is to show them that we can divorce with love and compassion and not make them choose between us. Our family may look different but there is certainly just as much love — and that will never change.

My mum and dad argued and blamed each other for everything. I was only 7 when they split up. It made me really sad and wasn’t what I wanted. Mum would sometimes stop me from seeing my dad. This would be when she was unhappy with things that he had done. He would sometimes not come and pick me up or be late and I would get upset so mum would argue with him and not let me see him. However I did want to see dad. I was upset because I didn’t see him.

“It took 4 years for mum and dad to see what they were doing to me.”

Both mum and dad met new friends but didn’t tell each other and didn’t want me to tell either. There were lots of lies being told. I didn’t like the lies but couldn’t tell my mum or my dad how I felt. I didn’t want to hurt them either, so I kept it to myself.

It got so bad as time went by I was very anxious and started to struggle at school. Finally mum and dad went to see a mediator to try and help them. I also met the mediator. I told her how I felt. The mediator told me she could tell my mum and dad. I agreed to this but I wanted to be there when she did. I needed to know mum and dad had been told so that it could stop and understand how it upset me.